My Sweetest Downfall
by QueenOfQuiet17
Summary: When Karen starts working for Grace, Grace remembers that they've had a past. Inspired by the first two lines of "Samson" by Regina Spektor.


You are my sweetest downfall.

I loved you first. Before Stan's ring was ever placed on your finger and you entered a world where possessions determine where you stand. Before you even gave a passing glance to the ones who gave their names to you. You've always said you never really cared for them anyway. Before you even found your place in this crazy city. I loved you first.

You'll say it wasn't me, it was some other woman who held your hand and kissed your lips. It was some other woman who let you cry on her shoulder and made you laugh when you needed to forget your problems. My hair may have been a little darker back then, I may have been a little thinner then, maybe that's why you'll think it's someone else. Maybe you only remember me in the dark, when you couldn't make out my features. But it's me. I can promise you that it's me.

You had just moved to Manhattan when we met. I could tell before you even said it; that look of wonder in your eyes said it all. It was the same look I had when I moved here. When I roamed the streets of the city and spent all my free time becoming familiar with the places I would soon frequent. You made me smile as soon as I saw you; that's the first thing I remember about you.

I didn't know your past then, and I feel so bad that I thought I had it worse than you did. You just moved to New York City, I thought. So what? The love of my life dropped a bombshell on me. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had filled me in on his little secret, and part of me wanted to support him, I really did. But anger and sadness and curiosity had overpowered me. And since he wasn't sure of himself, I wasn't sure of myself. I was still convinced that I felt whatever he felt, so if Will were to leave me to pursue relationships with other men, who's to say I shouldn't pursue relationships with other women?

And then you walked in, the day after Thanksgiving, to the café I chose to have a cup of coffee in, when I was contemplating everything. You looked so alone, so new, perhaps a little lost. But, oh, your eyes, how enticing they were. How enticing they still are. The wind had played with it, but your hair still framed your face so perfectly. You were beautiful, making speech seem like such an impossible thing to accomplish.

Before I knew it, I had waved you over to join me, and you were so close to me I could feel your warmth.

What I loved was the fact that you were never hesitant. You didn't know me, but you immediately opened up, perhaps because you were just eager to make a friend in a city that can at times be so cold. We watched the rain dance against the window as I told you everything, as you poured your heart out. I bet you didn't expect the kiss under the neon glow of the city, the raindrops looking almost electric as they fell. Because, to tell you the truth, even though I was the one to make the move, I didn't expect it either.

I thought we would be forever after that. And from the looks of it, you did too, if only for a little while.

I could have spent eternity in your arms. I loved how you left me speechless, how nothing seemed to matter except the two of us. How you would twirl my hair around your finger just as we were drifting off to sleep. How my name slipped out of your mouth in so many inflections. How I would bury my face in your scarf as you tried to keep me warm on those cold nights. The scarf you forgot when you left. The one I've kept, the one I still have.

I still don't know why you left that night. You never really gave me any explanation. Two days before Thanksgiving the following year, I came home hoping to spend the night with you. Until I saw your suitcases packed and you rushing to get out the door. You were frantic, scattered, never looking me in the eye, repeating, "It's me, it's me. I'm sorry, Gracie, I'm so sorry. It's all me." You finally looked at me to say goodbye, but you couldn't even do that. You brushed your lips against my cheek without the passion you usually have. And when you shut the door, I shattered like glass, broken into thousands of tiny pieces.

You left your scarf on the coffee table. I held onto it, hoping that one day you would come back for it, and we could put the pieces of my being back together, but you never did. You never did.

I reunited with Will the next night, and although it was not a perfect repair, at least he tried.

Was it me? I know you said it was you, but hardly anyone truly means it when they say it. Were you scared of what we could become? Were you starting to lose your sense of self? Was it anything I said, anything I did? Did you not like the person you were when you were with me? I wish that one day, you will put my mind at ease.

Of course I never thought I'd see you again. Which is why I thought I was dreaming when you walked into my office, wanting to take the job as my assistant. All these years later and I still remember you, yet you no longer have any clue who I am. Something or someone has erased from your memory the late nights and mornings in bed. I hired you immediately, not for your skills, but simply for the possibility of a second chance with you.

One of these days, I will get you to remember me.

Oh, the feeling inside you when someone you want so badly is so close to you, yet you can't have them. The butterflies, the weakness, it's all in me now. There are so many things I want to ask you as you file your nails or sip your drink. How long did it take you to get over me? Did it take you as long as it took me? Have you ever looked back on our time together and wish we could go there again? I know I must have made an impact on you, you must remember something from our relationship. When were you no longer able to pick my face out of a crowd? What about Stan, Karen? Do you truly love him?

Are you happy?

You will never say it, but your eyes tell no lies, keep no secrets. Slowly but surely, I see you putting my voice, my face, to the one you left behind so suddenly all those years back. Please know that I forgive you. I was just waiting for you to come back to me. I'm only short with you, I only tease and provoke you to hide the fact that I need you, Karen.

I need you.

As long as you are here, as long as I can see you, I will be okay. You render me powerless sometimes, but I would give anything to stay in your presence.

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first.


End file.
